Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
You Might Also Like
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.