Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
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[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch