one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
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Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.