CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
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Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.