Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
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Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
#titanic
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs