I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
You Might Also Like
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Sharon I have some bad news
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Pizza is an emotion right?
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
This could be us but you eatin’
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back