Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
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The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
i love modern commerce
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises