Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
You Might Also Like
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered