my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
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Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
translated into Canadian
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?