I could NOT have put it better myself.
You Might Also Like
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you