ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
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[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
i want to work in this restaurant
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
getting old is fun
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe