where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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find these 10 emoji for no good reason
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.