San Francisco has too many rules
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IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”