I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
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Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues