[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
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Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
For the orator and chef in all of us
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
selfie game
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.