the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
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Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG