me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
When you’re Kinky but poor
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.