I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
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It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced