All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
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Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now