I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
War & Peace
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.