HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
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For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
your honor my client chooses dare
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Wake me when AI does housework
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.