Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”