Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
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I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome