KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
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Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.