Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
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*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Hitlers gonna hitl
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub