[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
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Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Kids: Stay in school.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.