ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
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Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I’m having an out of money experience.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
This meal prepping shit easy
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet