just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
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*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.