[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
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If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Current mood: Potato
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Mouse
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before