*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
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Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!