a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
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to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
You saw nothing. I am ham.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes