Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
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“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive