[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
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I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My brain is a bad influence on me
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Punctuation Matters. Period.