Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
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Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
what’s the point then??
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Clients after you give them your rates
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.