my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
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Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
thinking about a very short hotdog
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.