*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
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If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
My current situation
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
2022 will be better than 2021
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
This is hilarious….
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
What the hell happened here.