There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
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TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw