Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
You Might Also Like
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
There’s never enough good news
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.