HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
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Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser