*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.