I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
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The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
They grow up so quick
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Hell yeah 👍
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.