*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
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Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Introverted vegans go meetless
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.