The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
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A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go