Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
You Might Also Like
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.