me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
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[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots: