Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
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Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Perfect
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good