God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
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When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Banking tips
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.