My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
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*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
why would tinder want me to say this
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Its true…
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.