If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
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ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.