Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
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[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk